I was married for “X” amount of years and was blessed by two gorgeous children from my marriage. The first year went well and around that time I was pregnant with my first child. The second year was a different story, infidelity occurred (him –not me) and things went topsy-turvy. Did you know statistically it is common for men to cheat on their partners after having a baby together? Yeaaah, neither did I! I became very self-conscious of myself. Who would have thunk that having a beautiful 4 month old in the home would be the perfect timing to cheat on your spouse? Only through fighting tooth and nail for our marriage we stayed together. Fast forward a few years later we had our second child. Years went by and I realized that this man I married was not a family man and wasn’t willing to become one. He would not budge no matter how hard I tried. The kids and I would be playing in the pool having a blast and he would refuse to spend time with us, many times opting for computer games instead. My family was more like me and the kids and as though we had a roommate under the same roof. I remained unhappily married for quite a few years in hopes that he would come around. After many years it got old and even with family counseling nothing changed. I felt alone and needed to move on. I couldn’t fake it anymore, I wasn’t in love with this man anymore, and so I left.
Remember the man I described as not wanting to spend ANY time with his family? When I packed my bags and left to move in with my mom I surely didn’t expect him to fight for custody. It had been 9 years and he never made the effort to spend any time with me or his kids. Let me clarify, it’s not that I was going to hold my kids from seeing him. Well, I’ll be damn, NOW he wanted to be a part of the kids life. I was taken aback and just remember being like “mhmm okay so this is happening”. He tried to win me back into the picture but it was too late by this time. I was the one who had tried for 9 years to no avail. When he started showing interest in his kids I acted in a way that many women don’t and they should. I took a step back and let their bond grow. I can only think of two deal breakers when it comes to cutting off ties with the other parent (parent is abusing the child, parent is molesting the child). My ex was an asshole but I know he wasn’t capable of hurting our children.
When you become separated or divorced you shouldn’t hold your children from seeing the other parent. Every child is better off having influence from both parents. You need to only stick to those two deal breakers. Whether your partner cheated or is not paying their agreed amount of child support should not be a factor in this. Is your ex capable of hitting the children? Is your ex capable of molesting the kids? If the answer is “no” to both of these questions you need to step aside and let their relationship just be.
I know you can’t stand the idea of sending your kids off to be with your ex. You’re preaching to the choir. I settled in my unhappy marriage for years because I absolutely COULD NOT imagine being without my kids. Getting used to it is a little tricky at first but I am telling you right now it is NOT the end of the world. You can better yourself from the time away from the kids. You can use the time away from your kids to relax or tackle errands. Go ahead and do groceries without the kids and see how much money you’ll save without having them throw things in your cart.
I loveee my kids and this is something they deserve. They deserve to be loved by both parents and not have to pay for the sole fact that two adults don’t get along. It is a shame that my ex husband wouldn’t budge while we were together but I am happy for my kids that he is around for them now. You shouldn’t measure how good a father he is either because at the end of the day your kids will prefer to have A FATHER in their life than no father in their life at all. One day my daughter will get married and hopefully her father is around to walk her down the aisle. I am proud of myself for being selfless and not interfering with a relationship that needed to take place. I am also proud of my ex husband for coming around and being a better father.
For those of you who go around saying “that’s my baby daddy”, please just STOP. Anytime I hear those words I cringe. ¡¿Que baby daddy ni baby daddy!? Say it like it is, that is the father of your children and regardless of how he treated you or if he cheated on you, that has NOTHING to do with your children! Trust me when your kids are older and are loved and get to spend time with both their mother and father they will become better people and they will thank you and acknowledge that you helped it along. Instead of talking trash to your kids about your ex partner you allowed them to build a relationship with their father without any biased opinions.
Let him be a dad.
P.S. Like my writing style? Check out my other work. Help me grow! Thank you 🙂